If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “Just do it please” for the fifth time in ten minutes… you’re not alone.
And if your child has responded with “I will!” while continuing to do absolutely nothing… also not alone.
This is one of those everyday parenting dilemmas that seems small on the surface — homework, chores, getting ready, practising skills, but can quickly turn into a pattern of frustration, nagging, and everyone feeling a bit stuck.
Underneath it, there’s a bigger tension that a lot of parents sit with:
Do I push them to do things… or do I wait for them to want to?
The Motivation Dilemma
Most parents want to build internal motivation in their child. We want them to take initiative, feel a sense of responsibility, develop independence, and follow through on things because they want to, not because they’re told.
But day-to-day life doesn’t really wait for internal motivation to appear.
Lunchboxes still need to be packed. Homework still needs to be done. Clothes still need to be washed.
So parents understandably lean on external motivation: reminders, rewards, consequences, pressure (even when we don’t want to call it that).
And here’s the tricky part: The more we push from the outside, the more kids often pull back on the inside. Not because they’re lazy or oppositional but because autonomy matters, especially as kids get older.
A Different Angle: Working With Motivation Instead of Against It
This is where motivational interviewing (MI) can be surprisingly helpful.
While that sounds like a very formal, clinical term, at its core, it’s quite simple. It’s about helping someone find their own reasons for doing something, instead of telling them yours. With kids, this means shifting from:
“You need to do your homework now”
to something more like:
“What’s your plan for getting this done today?”
It’s subtle, but powerful.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
1. Start with curiosity, not instruction
Instead of jumping straight to saying “Have you done your homework yet?” try:
“What have you got on this afternoon?”
“What’s the plan for your homework today?”
You’re not letting it go you’re just inviting them into ownership.
2. Reflect more than you direct
If they say “I don’t feel like doing it,” our instinct is to correct or push. MI leans the other way:
“Yeah, it’s hard to get started when you don’t feel like it.”
That doesn’t mean you agree with avoiding it, it just shows you’re on their side of the experience. And when kids feel understood, they’re often more open to moving forward.
3. Draw out their own reasons
Instead of listing why it matters, ask:
“Why do you think this homework is important?”
“What happens if it doesn’t get done?”
You’re helping them connect the dots themselves. Even small answers matter.
4. Offer choices (within limits)
Autonomy doesn’t mean no boundaries, it means choice within structure:
“Do you want to do it before or after dinner?”
“Do you want me nearby or do you want to do it on your own?”
This reduces power struggles without letting things drift.
5. Name the effort, not just the outcome
When they do engage, even partially, notice it:
“You got started even though you didn’t feel like it, that’s not easy.”
This builds a sense of competence, which is a key driver of motivation.
6. Use this beyond chores
This approach works just as well for practising therapy skills (such as exposures or coping strategies), getting ready in the morning, navigating social challenges, and responsibilities around the house. Especially in therapy, it aligns beautifully with helping kids feel “I’m choosing to do this” rather than “I have to do this.”
A Quick Reality Check
This is not a magic fix. Kids will still avoid things, push back, say “I don’t care,” and need reminders. And there will still be times where you need to step in more directly. That’s okay. This isn’t about removing structure or expectations, it’s about changing the tone of how we get there.
What You Might Notice Over Time
When this approach starts to land, parents often notice less arguing and negotiating, more follow-through (even if gradual), kids taking more ownership, and a shift from “you vs me” to “we’re figuring this out together.”
And importantly:
Kids start to practise doing things while not feeling like it — which is actually the skill we’re trying to build.
Final Thought
Motivation isn’t something we can force into our kids. But we can create the conditions where it’s more likely to grow. Often, that looks like a bit less telling, a bit more asking, and a bit more patience than we feel like we have. And remembering that learning to do hard or boring things is a process, not a personality trait.
Our highly trained psychologists can help. Please call our team on 9882- 8874 to book in with one of our team members today. Alternatively fill in our contact form here to get in touch.
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