This is a phrase I’ve heard from several clients lately, often alongside a new word they’ve picked up on podcasts or articles: limerence. Though first coined in the 1970s, limerence is making a comeback in both research and clinical conversations.
What is limerence?
Limerence is more than just a crush. It’s an intense, sometimes unexpected, and all-consuming fixation on one person—what researchers call the limerent object. Unlike the fleeting butterflies of early attraction, limerence can feel intrusive and destabilising. The mind replays conversations over and over. Texts are scoured for hidden meanings. Small signals of attention feel euphoric; silence feels devastating. Rather than fading with time, limerence can take over daily life, narrowing your world until most of your emotional energy revolves around one person.
Where does it come from?
There isn’t one simple cause, but research points to attachment history as a strong influence. People who grew up with inconsistent, neglectful, or unpredictable caregiving may be more prone to this style of relating. In limerence, the object of affection is rarely just themselves. They are often both a real person and an idealised figure, carrying echoes of early caregivers or past relationships. This makes the attachment feel unusually powerful, even if the connection is limited or unreciprocated.
Is limerence a diagnosis?
No. Limerence is not a clinical diagnosis, nor is it the same as OCD. But the two conditions do share some features. Like OCD, limerence is fuelled by:
Intolerance of uncertainty (“Do they like me? Do they not?”).
Rumination (replaying, imagining, checking, scrolling).
Compulsive-like behaviours that briefly relieve anxiety but keep the cycle alive.
The key difference? OCD obsessions can span many themes (contamination, harm, morality), while limerence is usually laser-focused on one person. However, these two conditions can co-exist.
Is it dangerous?
In most cases, limerence is private, painful, and disruptive but not risky. The concern arises when rumination escalates into persistent, unwanted contact that causes fear for the other person. That’s when risk and boundaries need to be carefully considered.
What helps if you suspect limerence?
There are many practical and compassionate steps you can take if you recognise yourself in these patterns. Here are a few:
Name the cycle
Map your pattern: trigger (ambiguity) → rumination → checking/imagining →
momentary relief → more ambiguity. Naming the loop reduces shame and increases
choice.
Tame rumination (not feelings)
Use grounding practices: the 5 senses, movement, task-switching. “Is this solvable right now?” or “What one action moves my life forward today?”
Build tolerance for uncertainty
Practice letting doubts be there without chasing reassurance.
Reinvest in your identity. Write down three domains or values that matter to you (e.g. friendships, creativity, health) and schedule visible actions in each area this week. Notice the time and energy you reclaim from not checking!
Limerence can feel overwhelming, but it isn’t a life sentence. Working with a trained therapist can help you untangle its roots, make sense of your current experiences, and develop practical strategies for moving forward. With insight into its patterns and gentle shifts back toward your own values and identity, it’s possible to step out of the cycle and create a life that feels fuller, freer, and more balanced.
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