For many young people, starting university is a major milestone, an exciting leap toward independence, discovery, and growth. But what often goes unspoken is the undercurrent of loneliness and isolation that can accompany this transition. It could be described as the quiet sadness that creeps in when the excitement wears off (yet you don’t say anything, because you’re supposed to being loving it).
The Myth of the “Best Years”
Alongside the pressure to be constantly social and thriving, many students quietly wrestle with the question: “Am I making the most of this experience?” When university is sold as the best time of your life, it can feel disheartening to not be enjoying every moment. Young people often compare their day to day struggles with the highlight reels of others, leaving them questioning whether they’re doing university “right”. This sense of falling short can deepen feelings of isolation and self-doubt. University is often framed as the best time of your life (especially if you watch Hollywood movies depicting the college experience). It is the time to make lifelong friends, explore new ideas, and find your place in the world (and go to wild parties at frat houses). But this narrative can make it even harder for students who feel disconnected. When everyone else seems to be thriving on social media, admitting to feeling lonely can feel like failure.
A Perfect Storm for Isolation
One of the most paradoxical aspects of starting university is the feeling of being surrounded by hundreds or even thousands of people, yet feeling completely alone. Large campuses, packed lecture theatres and busy common areas can ironically highlight your own disconnection. The sheer scale of university life can be daunting and without close, familiar connections, it’s easy to feel invisible in the crowd. This kind of loneliness can be especially painful because it feels like it shouldn’t exist when you’re constantly surrounded by others. There are also many courses that have online delivery of content, making it easier to access material without even going on campus – and therefore missing opportunities for social connection.
Another common but often hidden challenge is the realisation: “This course isn’t what I thought it would be.” Many students begin their studies with high expectations, only to find the content unengaging or misaligned with their interests. This can lead to feelings of confusion, disappointment, or even guilt, especially if they’ve worked hard to get into a particular course. The added stress of wondering whether to switch courses, persist through discomfort, or start over can further isolate students, making them feel like they’re falling behind or letting others down.
Several factors make this transition particularly challenging:
If you are living on campus, then leaving familiar support networks: being away from family, school friends, or community for the first time can feel destabilising.
- Pressure to fit in: The urgency to make friends quickly can lead to self-doubt, especially when initial connections don’t feel meaningful.
- Academic stress: Navigating a new and more demanding learning environment can heighten feelings of inadequacy. Further, tutors and lecturers will not follow up on attendance nor your assignments.
- Social comparison: Seeing peers post about new friendships and parties can reinforce the idea that everyone else is doing better and “living their best life”
What Loneliness Can Look Like
Loneliness doesn’t always look like sadness. It can show up as:
- Exhaustion and low motivation
- Difficulty concentrating
- Physical symptoms like headaches or trouble sleeping or changes to your eating patterns
- Avoiding social situations or overcommitting to avoid being alone
It is important to recognise that these signs aren’t weakness, they are human responses to a significant life change. What can help:
1. Name it: Acknowledge what you’re feeling. Telling yourself “I’m feeling lonely” doesn’t make it worse—it helps you make sense of it.
2. Slow down. Connection takes time. Real friendships don’t usually form overnight.
3. Look for ‘your people’: Join clubs, interest groups, or events where you’re more likely to meet like-minded peers.
4. Routine matters: Regular sleep, meals, exercise, and study patterns can help create stability.
5. Reach out: Whether to a friend, family member, university support or counselling service, talking to someone helps.
For Parents
If you’re a parent of a young person starting university, be mindful that they may not tell you they’re struggling. Stay connected, ask open-ended questions, and reassure them that it’s okay to find this time challenging. Sometimes just knowing they’re not alone in how they feel is a lifeline.
When the Leap Feels Too Big
For many students, university is the leap into adulthood they’ve long anticipated—a symbol of freedom, choice, and independence. But once they arrive, the weight of that freedom can feel overwhelming. The routines and support structures of high school vanish, and suddenly you’re expected to manage everything on your own—from meals to deadlines to social life. It’s a disorienting shift, and it’s completely normal to feel like you’re not ready, even if you thought you were. The future that once felt exciting can now seem uncertain, and the pressure to succeed, adjust quickly, and feel “happy”; can become a heavy emotional burden.
You’re Already Doing the Hard Work
If you’re finding university tough, it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. In fact, recognising that it’s hard—and still showing up, still trying—is a sign of immense resilience. The loneliness, uncertainty, and stress you may be feeling are not personal failures; they are part of a deeply human response to a major life transition.
What you’re doing: navigating new spaces, finding your voice, questioning your path, is already the hard work of growing up. There’s no perfect timeline, and no single way to “get it right.” If you’re doing your best to look after yourself, reach out when you can, and take each day as it comes, then you’re doing far more than you realise.
University can be both thrilling and lonely. Feeling isolated doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for support. There is strength in seeking help, and connection may be closer than it may seem.