When people think of anger, they often picture shouting, slammed doors, or lost control. But anger isn’t just explosive or loud—it can also be quiet, simmering under the surface. For some, it shows up as irritability, impatience, or passive-aggressiveness. For others, it’s an internal boil that never quite reaches the surface, but never fully settles either.
The truth is, anger is a normal human emotion. It’s not “bad” or something to be avoided. In fact, anger can be incredibly useful. It tells us when something feels unfair, when our boundaries are crossed, or when something we care about is being threatened. But when anger starts to take the wheel—driving our decisions, our relationships, or our health—it’s time to take a closer look.
Rather than trying to “control” or suppress anger, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a different path: one that involves making room for it, understanding it, and choosing how to respond in a way that aligns with our values.
So what does ACT have to say about anger?
ACT doesn’t treat anger as a problem to eliminate. Instead, it sees anger as part of the full spectrum of human emotion—something we can notice, explore, and learn from without letting it dictate our behaviour. Here’s how that works in practice:
1. Notice and name it without judgment
Anger often gets tangled up with shame. You might feel guilty for snapping, or embarrassed for even feeling angry. But ACT encourages a more compassionate stance: noticing your emotional experience without labelling it as good or bad.
Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t be this angry”, try saying, “I notice I’m feeling really angry right now”. This simple shift from judgement to observation helps create space between you and the emotion. You’re not being angry—you’re having anger. That difference matters.
Try this: When you feel anger rising, pause and label what’s happening. “There’s tightness in my chest.” “My jaw is clenching.” “I’m having the thought that this isn’t fair.” Naming the experience reduces its intensity and gives you more options for how to respond.
2. Get curious: What’s underneath the anger?
Anger rarely travels alone. Often, it’s protecting more vulnerable emotions like fear, hurt, sadness, or shame. Maybe you’re angry because you feel disrespected. Maybe you’re angry because you feel unseen. ACT invites us to get curious, not reactive.
Ask yourself: “What is this anger trying to protect or point to?” You might be surprised by what comes up. Anger can sometimes be a sign that you deeply care about fairness, loyalty, or being heard. These are values worth honouring—but they need to be expressed in ways that move you toward the kind of person you want to be, not away from it.
3. Practice willingness: Make space for the discomfort
This is one of the hardest—and most powerful—ACT principles. Instead of trying to avoid or suppress your anger, practice willingness. That means allowing anger to be present without trying to control it, while still choosing actions that reflect your deeper values.
This doesn’t mean you let anger run the show. It means you stop fighting it—and in doing so, regain your freedom to choose what comes next.
Try this: Imagine your anger as a wave. Instead of resisting it or trying to push it away, picture yourself surfing the wave. You don’t have to love it. You just have to ride it long enough to stay in control of your actions.
4. Use values as your compass
In ACT, values are your anchor. They’re the traits and qualities that matter most to you—how you want to show up in relationships, work, parenting, or life more broadly.
When anger strikes, it can be easy to lash out or shut down. But values give you a roadmap. Ask yourself: “What kind of partner/friend/parent do I want to be in this moment?” or “What choice would move me closer to the kind of person I want to be?”
This helps shift your focus from emotion-driven behaviour to meaningful action.
5. Choose your next move—mindfully
Once you’ve made space for the emotion, explored what’s underneath, and reconnected with your values, you can choose how to respond—rather than reacting on autopilot.
That might mean taking a break from a conversation. It might mean setting a boundary calmly. It might even mean doing nothing in that moment but breathing through it, and returning later with a clearer head.
Try this: In a moment of anger, ground yourself with the 5-4-3-2-1 technique—notice 5 things you can see, 4 you can feel, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste. This pulls your attention into the present moment, reducing reactivity.
Anger is a part of being human. It doesn’t make you a bad person, and it doesn’t mean you’ve failed at regulating your emotions. What matters is how you relate to that anger—and whether you can create enough space between feeling it and acting on it.
With practice, ACT offers tools to help you sit with difficult emotions, understand what they’re really about, and move toward the kind of life you want to lead. And that’s not about being calm all the time. It’s about being conscious, connected, and in control of your next step—even when you’re seeing red.
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