The festive season is approaching, and if you've got children, there's a good chance the wish lists are already getting longer. Every trip to the shops seems to reveal something new they absolutely must have, and conversations about presents are becoming a regular feature at home.
For many families, this time of year brings celebrations, gift-giving and plenty of excitement. Whether you're celebrating Christmas, another cultural or religious occasion, or simply enjoying the summer holidays, it's a time when children's expectations can run particularly high.
As parents, we want our children to enjoy the excitement of special occasions, but we also want them to appreciate what they have, understand that they can't have everything, and show a little gratitude along the way. And let's face it, there's nothing quite like watching your child tear through a pile of presents, only to ask if there are any more, to make you wonder where you've gone wrong!
The good news is that wanting things, struggling to wait and feeling disappointed are all very normal parts of childhood. Gift-giving occasions just have a way of bringing them all to the surface.
Why is the wanting so intense?
Children aren't particularly good at waiting. Their capacity to manage impulses, tolerate frustration and think beyond what they want right now is still developing. Add the excitement of special occasions into the mix, with weeks of advertising, conversations with friends, toy catalogues and the anticipation of presents, and it's hardly surprising that some children become a little obsessed with what they're going to get. For younger children especially, the distinction between wanting something and expecting to receive it can be quite blurry.
It's worth remembering that wanting lots of presents doesn't necessarily mean your child is greedy or ungrateful. It usually means they're excited, and they're still learning how to manage that excitement. Our job as parents isn't to stop children wanting things. It's to help them understand that wanting something doesn't always mean getting it, and that they can manage the disappointment when things don't go their way.
When expectations don't quite match reality
Most parents have experienced some version of the gift-giving disappointment. Perhaps the present wasn't quite what your child imagined, their sibling received something they think is better, or the excitement of opening presents is suddenly over. And sometimes, despite all the effort, money and thought that has gone into making an occasion special, your child is upset. It's frustrating. It can feel embarrassing, particularly when grandparents or other family members are watching. And it's very tempting to launch into a lecture about how lucky they are.
But disappointment is a normal emotion, and children need opportunities to experience it. We don't need to rush in and fix every disappointment, nor do we need to make children feel guilty for having those feelings. Instead, we can acknowledge what's happened while maintaining reasonable expectations about behaviour.
For example:
"I know you were really hoping for that Lego set. It's disappointing when you don't get something you really wanted."
You don't need to follow this with a promise to buy it later, or a lengthy explanation about why they didn't get it. Sometimes, simply acknowledging the disappointment and allowing your child a little time to recover is enough. Of course, accepting disappointment doesn't mean accepting rude or hurtful behaviour. We can understand why a child is upset while still expecting them to treat others respectfully.
And remember, special occasions are often a perfect storm of excitement, disrupted routines, too much sugar and not enough sleep. Sometimes a meltdown is less about the present and more about a child who has simply had enough.
What about gratitude?
Most of us want to raise children who are grateful. We want them to appreciate the thought that goes into gifts, recognise the effort others make, and understand that they're fortunate to receive presents. But gratitude is something children develop over time. It doesn't necessarily come naturally, particularly when they're young. There's also an important difference between feeling grateful and behaving politely.
We can teach children to say thank you, even when they don't particularly like a gift. That's an important social skill. But we can't force them to feel grateful, and insisting that they do is unlikely to help. Instead, think about how gratitude is demonstrated in your family throughout the year.
Do your children hear you thanking others? Do you talk about the thought and effort behind gifts? Do you notice and appreciate the little things people do for each other? Children learn an enormous amount from watching us. And if your child forgets to thank Grandma in the excitement of opening presents, a gentle reminder is usually all that's needed. There's no need to turn it into a major parenting moment.
Helping children manage their expectations
One of the most useful things parents can do is start talking about expectations well before a celebration.
If your child has a wish list that's three pages long, it's perfectly reasonable to explain that a wish list is exactly that: a list of things they'd like, not a shopping order!
You might say:
"It's fun to think about all the things you'd love, but remember, we don't get everything on our list. What are the things you'd really love the most?"
For children who struggle with uncertainty or disappointment, it can also help to be a little more explicit about what a celebration might look like. You don't need to reveal every surprise, but you can help them develop realistic expectations.
It's also worth being mindful of how much we contribute to the build-up ourselves. Sometimes, in our efforts to make celebrations magical, we inadvertently create expectations that are almost impossible to meet. And it's worth remembering that families have different traditions, priorities and financial circumstances. Children will inevitably compare what they receive with their friends, and these conversations can sometimes be difficult.
Helping children understand that families celebrate differently, and that the number or value of presents isn't a measure of how much someone is loved, is another important part of managing expectations. Not every celebration needs to be bigger or better than the last.
Making celebrations about more than presents
There's nothing wrong with children loving presents. Giving and receiving gifts can be a wonderful part of family celebrations, and we don't need to take the fun out of it. But we can also help children recognise that special occasions are about more than what they receive. One of the easiest ways to do this is to involve them in giving. Let them help choose a present for a sibling, grandparent or friend. Encourage them to think about what that person might enjoy. Involve them in wrapping gifts, making cards or preparing something special for someone else. This helps children begin to think beyond their own excitement and consider the experiences of others.
Family traditions are important too. Whether it's preparing a special meal together, visiting relatives, enjoying a family outing or participating in cultural or religious celebrations, these shared experiences give children something to look forward to that isn't about receiving things.
And these traditions don't need to be elaborate or expensive. Often, it's the simple things families do together, year after year, that children remember most fondly.
A little perspective for parents
The festive season can bring out some pretty big emotions in children, and sometimes in parents too!
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to create wonderful experiences for our families. We spend weeks planning, shopping, organising and trying to make everything special. So when a child complains about a present or has a meltdown halfway through a family gathering, it's understandable that we might feel frustrated.
But one difficult moment doesn't mean your child is ungrateful, and it certainly doesn't mean you've failed to teach them good values.
Children learn to manage disappointment, appreciate others and regulate their emotions through practice. And special occasions provide plenty of opportunities for all three! So enjoy the excitement, keep expectations realistic, and don't feel you need to turn every disappointment into a lesson.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is acknowledge how our children are feeling, maintain our boundaries and move on with the day. After all, celebrations don't need to be perfect to be memorable.
Need some extra support?
For some children, managing expectations, uncertainty and disappointment can be particularly challenging. If big emotions are regularly creating difficulties for your child or family, our psychologists at Melbourne Wellbeing Group can help you develop practical strategies to support your child. Get in touch to learn more about how we support children, parents and families.