What Is the Mental Load, Really?
It’s a term we hear more and more — mental load. It gets mentioned in conversations about gender roles, parenting, emotional labour, even workplace stress. But what does it actually mean? The mental load refers to the ongoing, invisible, and often unacknowledged mental effort of managing life. Not just doing the tasks, but remembering, planning, anticipating, tracking, worrying, and organising all the moving parts. It’s the background thinking that keeps everyone else functioning, even when no one sees it.
Think of it as the mental project manager running in your head, constantly reviewing the to-do list, monitoring people’s needs, and troubleshooting problems before they happen. It’s not the action; it’s the thinking about the action, all day, every day.
Why Is It So Draining?
Unlike visible tasks (like doing the washing or answering emails), mental load is constant and unrelenting. It fills your brain in the shower, when you're trying to sleep or on your lunchbreak. You might look like you're resting, but your mind is still ticking over.
Over time, this contributes to fatigue and brain fog, irritability or short temper, poor concentration, sleep difficulties, emotional exhaustion and a feeling of always being “on”. This kind of quiet stress is one of the most common pathways to burnout, especially for caregivers and professionals who feel responsible for everyone else’s needs.
Who Carries It?
In many households, the mental load disproportionately falls on one person — often the mother or the most emotionally attuned member of the family. Even in otherwise well-shared homes, mental delegation still counts as a load: it’s one thing to ask your partner to make dinner, it’s another to be the one who had to think of it in the first place.
In workplaces, people who are naturally responsible, empathetic, or organised often become the go-to “keepers of the glue”, taking on emotional labour, reminders, team wellness, and informal mentoring, often without recognition.
Why It’s Hard to Let Go
Letting go of parts of the mental load can feel uncomfortable. Thoughts like “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done properly”, “It’s just easier if I do it myself” or “I don’t want to be a nag.” These beliefs are understandable, and often built from years of experience. But they keep the burden squarely on one set of shoulders. Moreso, once you have taken on thai ‘role’ it is hard to shift.
How to Talk About Mental Load (Without Starting a Fight)
Bringing this up with a partner or family member can be tricky. You’re not just talking about dishes or appointments, you’re talking about feeling alone in responsibility. Here are a few tips to help guide the conversation:
1. Pick Your Timing
Avoid bringing it up when you’re already burnt out or mid-conflict. Choose a calm, neutral time when you both have space to listen.
2. Talk About the System, Not the Person
Use phrases like:
- “I’ve been thinking about how we divide the mental work in our family.”
- “I’m carrying a lot of the remembering, planning and tracking and I think it’s taking a toll on me.”
3. Describe the Mental Load with Examples
Sometimes people genuinely don’t see it. You could say:
- “It’s not just booking the dentist — it’s remembering to do it, calling, considering options, and making sure it fits around everyone’s schedule.”
4. Ask for Shared Ownership, Not Help
Saying “I need help” puts you in the manager role again. You could try:
- “What’s a task or area you could take full ownership of, including the thinking part?”
5. Be Patient, but Clear
Shifting the mental load takes time, especially if the current system has been in place for years. But your wellbeing matters and so does building a fairer, more balanced life.
Other Practical Steps
Here are some additional ways to begin lightening the load:
- Externalise the list: Use a shared calendar, app, or whiteboard so tasks live somewhere other than your brain.
- Let some balls drop: If the world doesn’t fall apart, it’s telling you something.
- Get support: Therapy can help untangle the “shoulds” and give you permission to care for yourself, too.
The mental load is real. It’s powerful and for many, it’s invisible, even to those closest to us. But naming it, sharing it, and setting boundaries around it can be life changing.
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