Money has a quiet way of weaving itself into the fabric of our relationships. It’s there in the decisions we make together, in the moments we celebrate, and in the tensions that sometimes rise to the surface. We might think we’re talking about numbers, but more often we’re talking about safety, choice, fairness, and how much we feel seen or valued.
It can sit in the background for months, even years, until something stirs it up — a disagreement over a purchase, a different vision for the future, the subtle comparison to friends or family. And suddenly, the conversation isn’t about the cost of something at all; it’s about what it means, and how those meanings can either bring us closer or push us apart.
Our relationship with money often starts before we even know what it is. We grow up absorbing little signals like the tone in the room when bills are mentioned, the way birthdays are celebrated, whether treats are bought without a second thought or weighed up carefully. Sometimes it’s what’s said outright, and sometimes it’s what’s never spoken at all. We learn whether money feels safe, scarce, exciting, or even dangerous. We carry those impressions with us, and without realising, they shape the way we spend, save, and worry.
And because money is tangled up with identity, it’s hard not to take it personally. Earning more can feel like proof we’re capable; earning less can trigger shame, even if our choices and values don’t line up neatly with the idea of “success” we’ve inherited. If we’ve tied money to freedom, a lack of it might make us feel trapped. If we’ve tied it to security, watching it leave our bank account might make our chest tighten. Sometimes we’re chasing comfort, and sometimes we’re chasing a version of ourselves we think we should be.
When you add other people into the mix, the stories get more complicated. Two people can look at the same purchase and see two entirely different things: one sees an unnecessary indulgence, the other sees joy, generosity, or even love. It’s no wonder couples clash! Not because the maths doesn’t add up, but because the meaning doesn’t match. Parents wrestle with how to pass on healthy money habits without burdening their kids with their own fears. Young people push against their parents’ limits, not just for the sake of spending, but for the independence and self-definition that come with making their own choices. In families, money becomes another language and like any language, misunderstandings are part of the territory.
It’s also why money conversations can feel so vulnerable. We’re not just talking about “Can we afford this?” We’re quietly revealing what matters to us, what frightens us, and what we hope for. To talk about money honestly is to invite someone into a part of our inner world that we might prefer to keep private especially if we worry about being judged.
So, where do we begin when it’s causing stress? Often, with curiosity. Not about the budget just yet, but about the story. What does money mean to you? What memories come to mind when you think about it? How much of your current approach is truly yours, and how much was handed down? It can be uncomfortable work, but it’s where things start to loosen.
With partners, the goal isn’t to erase differences because that’s not realistic! It’s about trying to understand them. To hear that when your partner saves obsessively it’s about soothing an old fear. To see that when they spend on something you think is frivolous, it might be their way of feeling alive. With kids, it’s about letting them see how decisions are made - not just the “no” or the “yes,” but the why. And if you’re the young person in the equation, it’s about finding the space to explain your choices without dismissing the values your parents are trying to pass on.
None of this is neat or simple. Money will always carry some tension because it’s too tightly bound to our sense of self and safety to be completely neutral. But we can learn to understand our our own patterns and how these influence what we think and feel. This then can positively influence how we communicate about money in relationship because it becomes less about who’s right and more about how we can meet in the middle.
And maybe that’s where the work is. Not in chasing a perfect bank balance, but in noticing how our choices around money affect how we feel and how we connect with others. If money is causing stress, it can help to start small. Try journalling for a week about your spending and saving, not to track every cent, but to notice what emotions come up. Is there guilt after buying something for yourself? Anxiety when paying bills? Relief when you avoid spending? Those feelings can tell you a lot about the story you carry about money.
If you’re in a relationship, set aside time to talk about money when emotions aren’t running high. Use “I feel” statements rather than “You always” or “You never.” If you’re a parent, let your kids in on the decision-making process in age-appropriate ways such as explaining why you’re saving for something, or why you said no to a purchase, so they learn the thinking behind the choice. And if you’re a young person, try asking your parents about their own experiences with money. Understanding where their views come from can make disagreements less personal.
These conversations won’t make all the tension disappear, but they can take some of the sting out of it. Over time, you may find that talking about money becomes less about who’s right and more about finding common ground, and that’s worth more than any number in the bank.
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